At table

One of the people I talk Spanish to, online, asked me about how the bar bill is settled in the UK. I'm sure that, if you live in Spain, you've witnessed the scene where people, men, fight to pay the bill. Let's presume two traditional couples. Someone asks for the bill. When it arrives the two males lock horns, like a couple of fighting rams, each is determined to pay. Both wave a largish note (or a credit card) at the waiter/waitress who smiles on benevolently until someone triumphs. I had no idea what the answer was to the question. If someone else wants to pay my bar bill I cede gracefully. By way of answer I told my conversational partner that, because we tend to order drinks in rounds and pay as we order, the same situation doesn't usually arise.

Well, what about when you go to a restaurant who pays then?, asked my interlocutor. Again, if anyone ever offers to pay for my food I say thank you, so I had to invent the answer. I said that, generally, we knew when someone had invited us to a restaurant and that meant they were going to pay. It would be different if we simply happened to eat with someone because we were out together at mealtime. Then the bill would be divvied up with a bit thrown in for a communal tip. Only people you never want to eat with again do that thing where they start dribbling on about how you had three glasses of wine while they only had water at bill reckoning time. I was cogitating now. I explained that there may be an ulterior motive for picking up the tab; a business deal or the possibility of underwear removal for instance. In fact, given such circumstances, if someone started to renegotiate the unspoken deal - no let's go halves -  that would be a sure sign that the hoped for deal was off.

I also said that the idea of inviting someone out to eat, in the UK, was almost exclusively an evening affair and that the invitation to dine at someone's house was much more common in the UK than here in Spain. Of course, as it's ages since I've socialised in the UK and as I hardly ever socialise with Spaniards I could be plain wrong or out of date on all my answers.

It did set me thinking though about some other eating and drinking things that were usually different here in Spain. We'll ignore breakfast for the moment. British and Spanish breakfasts are so different, and so individually different, that I'll leave them aside this time.

I suppose the biggest difference is that, if you go out to eat with friends in Spain it is much more likely that you will eat at lunchtime than in the evening. It's not a crime to eat out in the evening or anything but it's not the norm.

The chances of eating, in Spain, without bread on the table are minimal. A Spanish pal who went on holiday to Shropshire confounded a number of waiters and waitresses by asking for bread. He told me he got to quite like the plates of Mother's Pride which were the best that most places, unused to serving bread with the meal, could manage. He also wondered why they brought butter. And what do we say about the sort of Spanish establishment that charges for the bread. Well, obviously, we won't be going back there.

In lots of restaurants, particularly in the warmer bits of Spain, there is a sort of generosity that sometimes surprises visitors. A basic sort of salad will be placed on the table unasked for, free and sometimes unadvertised. Nice as that is most visitors are even more shocked that, having asked for a glass of wine, the bottle is left behind on the table on a help yourself basis. Visitors suppose it will be charged by the glass. It isn't of course. Beware of anyone who asks for the cork and takes home the half empty bottle. They will never understand Spain. 

I've been told that Spaniards were always admonished in their youth to keep at least one hand on the table when they're not eating. My mum used to do the same with me about not eating off my knife and not spooning up peas with my fork. I've also heard that it's considered bad form to put you elbows on the table. You will see both "rules" broken all the time though. Whilst we're on manners, going back to bread, it's not high end good manners, but it's not unacceptable, to use bread to push food onto your fork

Only foreigners will think to order a starter for themselves in the belief that the person next to them will do the same. Usually the people around the table decide on a few starters which will go in the middle of the table so everyone can take what they want, bounded only by good manners. There is a phrase in Spanish used to describe the shame of taking the last potato or prawn or croqueta or whatever. It's not uncommon to see one item left behind on each plate. Sometimes the main course will also be placed centrally on the table and you may eat directly from there. Paella rice, for instance, is often eaten directly from the big paella pan in the centre of the table. Obviously this doesn't apply the the menú del día where you get something for you and I get something for me.

If you're in a restaurant there will be napkins or serviettes but it would be very unusual for a Spaniard to eat anything without a napkin or something similar to hand at home or in a bar. 

Cutlery, in posh restaurants, is taken away with the various courses but in ordinary sort of eateries you will be expected to hang on to your cutlery for the next course. The plates go but the knife and fork stay. United Statesians are always surprised that there's none of that thing they do of moving the fork to the other hand after cutting the meat but then we Brits think that's a bit odd anyway.

You drink cold drinks with food. Water (often for everyone), Fanta, Coca Cola (it's not Coke in Spain) beer, wine etc. are all fine. If you ask for a coffee to drink alongside your food the waiter will presume that you are ordering for after the meal. One Spaniard once told me that she thought it was dangerous to drink hot drinks with hot food. I think she meant it. It reminded me of the way in which lots of Spanish parents still warn their children not to go swimming too soon after eating because of the potentially dire consequences of stomach cramps and a watery end. Coffee and tea are for after you've eaten. It's bad luck, serious bad luck, to toast with water.

¡Que aproveche!

Goodly Sir wouldst be so kind as to render me aid?

The man on the phone asked me if he was speaking to don Christopher. I told him that he was but whatever he was selling I didn't want it. He didn't need to say anything else. Nobody uses don unless they wear headsets to talk on the phone. He assured me that he was just checking to see if I'd got a particular piece of junk mail. He didn't try to sell me anything so maybe it really was just a check on whoever does their bulk mailing.

I don't like being called don. It's supposed to be courteous. It's used with your first name rather than using the surname. It's a bit antique but I simply don't like people deferring to me and I particularly don't like it when it's a sham deference.

Usted, unlike don, isn't archaic. If, like me, you were taught French at school, then the Spanish usted is equivalent to the vous form. The polite form of you. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? rather than Je t'aime. The idea is that usted is used for people you don't know, for people who are a bit older than you or to show a bit of respect. I don't like that either. I don't like it in shops, I don't like it in bars, I don't like it in general.

Spanish people tell me I should use usted - they tell me that I should only use tú when I know people. Tugging one's forelock and doffing one's cap went out even before I was born. I see usted as very similiar. For Latin Americans I don't think there's the same distinction. I think Ecuadorian parents address their children as usted. Some Latin American countries use a different way of saying you all together.

Dealing with everyone the same is fine by me whether it's a formal, Mr Thompson, or more informal, Chris but using the equivalents of sir or esquire. No thanks.